Long Rambling Update on Health & Magick

This is gonna be long and all over place, sorry in advance!

The worst recent news is I had a checkup with a “doctor” who was to judge my sick status for my benefits. He referred to Lyme as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and told me that resting won’t help, I told him about my arms inflammation problem and he took my hand and quipped “are these inflamed?” He said I’m not more than two-thirds incapacitated so I have to go back to fulltime working. He said I could appeal at the labor court but it wouldn’t make any difference. I told him he was a fucking asshole and walked out. Karma will take care of that bastard, it took care of me didn’t it? Now I guess it was partly my fault, I went in there in a receiving mode instead of using my intention to perhaps tip this biased number-balancing piece of shit to some point of reason. But he just shocked the hell out of me by after studying my documentation (a huge folder of documents concerning my Lyme and earlier RSI treatments) for ten minutes by suddenly stating I would not be granted an extension on my benefits. This also means I’m without income for a few months as I have to resub to regular benefits (not health related) and that takes a few months to get in order.

So this could have broken me pretty hard as I’m not the most resilient guy out there and coupled with the disease weighing on me, I could have easily panicked about my financial security and it was looming at the edge of my consciousness… But I decided to look for another fix. And so I reached back to consciousness work and chaos magick, it’s usually desperation that leads me back which FYI is the worst state of mind to go about it. But this time it went a little different. I decided to meditate (I haven’t meditated too much with my disease, a few times a month here or there, as I was usually too tired to meditate and they just turned into naps often, but I have such sleeping problems that meditation was always reached back to) and read some inspirational books first, and find a sense of balance.

It had apparently been a year since my last entry in my magick diary, I had something funny to write in it on the day I was preparing my first sigils. As I went outside that day I reminded myself of the divinity in everything/everyone viewpoint, I was only a few footsteps outside when a trucker leaned out his window and shouted “HEYYYYYYYYYY” while looking right at me, no one else around, I smiled and waved. I had never seen the guy, he just kept driving. His truck had only one word on it “Logistics”. I was glad to have synchronicity back in my life.

The last time I had fired off Chaos Magick spells was in 2013 using the Shaoling method of runesoup, which suggested no banishing, and well, it all yielded 0 results. I guess we were just incompatible (or my spells were retarded and desperate). So I reached back to Grant Morrison’s way. I’ve fired off 3 batches of spells since begin July and things are already starting to get interesting.

Because of some serendipity in the family I’m moving from my drafty old appartement to a brandnew apartament in a building only a few years old, huge living room, two bed rooms, first floor, elevator, garage, and for less rent a month than what I’m paying now. I saw Fight Club yesterday and had to chuckle, his adventure starts with blowing up his apartement, well I’m on a very different path! My own family will be my landlords, basically making sure I’ll never end up on the street.

I had fired several spells to improve my living conditions. My folks were gonna help me move somewhere nicer soon but as a prerequisite they had to sell a small appartment they had on the coast, I had fired off a combination spell for this and a week after the good news which was a completely unrelated lucky incident, they had someone coming to watch the coastal appartement, fortunately they were not interested as the need to sell it was not as urgent now (taxes and stuff).

So back to the health, I’m finally off antibiotics but am still taking a lot of supplements, one of my least favorite new daily rituals is drinking a teaspoon of sodium carbonite in a cup (not sure of the translation), which is basically salt, ugh! I’m still getting 2 shots of vitamins in my ass a week. The professor’s latest findings were that my d-lactate is over eight times the normal amount and he suspects – and I really hope he’s right – that is what’s causing the inflammation still. It better be, because I’ll need to get some kind of income with arms that don’t work otherwise – I was joking with a friend on what I could do, and we only came up with… professional soccer. The good news is quitting antibiotics means I can go back into the sun again so looking forward to a stroll soon…

I’m not actively looking for work yet as my hands and arms still inflame, I’m just hoping the job agency leaves me the hell alone for the time being. Everytime they’ve become a hassle I’ve found work by chance or intention so that helps with my peace of mind. What I am doing is creating a boardgame with a friend. Not really what I always wanted to do but a project that just sorta happened and took off really fast and is so much fun. It also isn’t taxing on the arms as my buddy takes care of most of the hand labour and we work on it when we want to. It’s a bit of a long term project still, we’re playtesting now but still need to come up with some stuff. The biggest obstacle was finding an artist. Spell fired! 3 weeks later friend had good news and was being mysterious about it, I kinda had a hunch of what it could be and yup, artist found! We’ve sent her a description of a test drawing and we’re expecting it in one or two weeks to see if we’re a fit for eachother. She was really excited about it so that’s great so far!

To give you an idea of how bored I am. I haven’t been able to use my arms much at all for about a year now, coupled with extreme fatigue that thankfully has gotten a lot better lately. This means I was basically only able to watch or listen to stuff. I have seen nearly every TV, Anime series and movie I wanted to and it’s almost impossible to watch anymore since almost everything bores me to tears now. I’ve got over a 100 series and nearly 200 movies still on my hard disc, but I’m just sick of the medium. I mentioned Fight Club earlier, I tuned out of that one too. I’m watching Cowboy Bebop now, an amazing anime I somehow missed before but I’m only able to watch one every two days. I roll my eyes at almost everything now. Did you know Citizen Kane is a boring piece of shit? It is to me!

So what I’m doing often with my fatigue is just laying in the couch and listen to music. I’ve got a music library almost on point with a playlist of nearly 5000 songs available (using smart playlists using the comment mp3tag in Kodi and/or Musicbee). I’m trying to read again, right now I’m halfway through the Carrol book I posted earlier and re-reading Jan Fries’ Visual Magick but fatigue really hits me fast. I’m doing tai chi and hatha yoga but one session of each a week is pretty much all my body can handle and my laziness makes sure it’s even less than that. I’ve got so much free time but it’s pretty frustrating that I can’t do much with it. Though I’m not complaining, I could have been working some shitty job instead and as you may know, I’m pretty passionate about not being a worker droid. I may have manifested this disease at some point to get out of work! (I guess in 2013 then?)

I can do about a half hour of computer work a day without hurting too much (and having the pain linger for days), so I guess I’ll start blogging a bit again cause I’m so fucking bored out of my skull. I think I’m going to get rid of the conspiracy tagged posts in this surveillance age, not just because of that but frankly the conspiracy field has become one huge joke and there’s very little to be taken seriously in it anymore. I think the montage parodies taking the piss out of illuminati videos are a hilarious mockery of flawed belief systems and I haven’t read anything interesting conspiracy wise that isn’t mainstream in a long time anyway. So this is your buried warning that on september first, I will be purging every single conspiracy related post from this blog (since I can’t use my arms to see what I’d keep among that huge number of posts). Very little of worth will be lost I’m assuming.

I think I might just blog about what’s going on in my mind now and again, I’m interested in documenting the work on my multiple personalities. Multiple reality tunnels is one thing, but somehow the link to consciously using multiple personalities never cemented. Has anyone read a Rubik’s Guide to Gods and Godesses by Joel King? I need some inspiration and sources on Gods cause I apparently have no useful books in my huge occult library on this! I know I’m definitely gonna use the 8 circuits, obviously. It’s been pretty enlightening so far thanks to Carrol’s book, especially seeing the Anger personality rise, I’m looking forward to working with that motherfucker cause he can be a pain in the ass. Not to mention the prick keeping me in my comfort zone! I seriously can’t believe I never made that link!

So that’s on the horizon, I can basically only post some ramblings. I’d like to use e-prime and conscious language in those future posts.
Sorry about no other content but I don’t have the sources or energy to browse for interesting consciousness related stuff, I probably couldn’t find any of I wanted to. What consciousness sites are you still browsing? I check Reality Sandwich once every few months and that’s it I think.
Dedroidify.com is still a promise, though a very delayed one, it’ll happen, I just don’t know when. When it does, I hope to make it up by having a contemporary design and better organized content.