Doomsday Turkey

Well, I mentioned a Doomsday Falafel on here, so we might as well have a Doomsday Turkey since Thanksgiving is fast approaching. Yeah, I know, there’s the question of what stuffing to use on such a bird. It certainly won’t be stuffed with sanity, I’ll tell you that. But we won’t need to worry about it getting done quickly, since the flash from a nuclear weapon detonation will make that tricky cooking time guesswork a thing of the past. Whooosh! Ah, nice and crispy! Say, where’s the gravy?

A Doomsday Turkey?! Why…yes! Have you seen the news? Evidently, there’s already been a border kerfuffle between some other birds, those being Turkish F-16s and Russian aircraft. Now who didn’t see this one coming? Let’s see…the U.S. would like a reason to stick its nose into that kitchen and, gosh, isn’t Turkey a NATO nation? Gee, we could be at war over there quicker than the time it would take to make Deviled Eggs! It appears the United States is deviling other things in the region. Look at this article.border, oh, no, that’s intentional! That cannot be an accident!

Yes, the Pentagon never has forgotten their Rand Corporation study “Zen and the Art of Doomsday” and so they’ve dusted it off again. Hey, it’s a classic! We won’t need a cookbook for the Doomsday Turkey because, hey, we’ll just nuke it and it’ll take much less time than conventional methods. Who knows? We might just have a swell Thanksgiving after all! Gosh, what’ll we wear? Burial shrouds?

See, this is just so very typical of the United States. Here’s this crisis in Syria. Yes, the U.S. started it. But then it blew up, as per usual, and a whole new terrorist entity was spawned and started killing people all over the place. A refugee crisis of historic proportions was caused. The U.S. tried and failed to stop it. So Russia goes in to do so. Now, this is like someone coming over and volunteering to mow your yard for you. Does the U.S. take the great opportunity to bail out of this quagmire and remove itself from the hotseat? No! Of course not! No, the U.S. sees it as a great chance to get into a war with Russia that we weren’t able to provoke with them over in Ukraine. It’s one thing to have a death wish. But it’s quite another to have a Doomsday wish.

I mean, hey, if these people are really THAT curious about Doomsday, then they should all pack themselves away into their underground bunkers and just stay there. That’s where they’re headed anyway if they get it started. So just go ahead now, with your families, and just live there now you suicidal maniacs. We can call it a “time capsule” for crazed politicians and insane military leaders—don’t open for 1,000 years. I think this is a great solution. Those Doomsday shelters for the politicians are already paid for. We might as well get some use out of them. Yes, Politician Time Capsules. In 1,000 years, they’ll excavate them and be amazed that people were that stupid.