Government Gasbags

Hey, did you know we spent over $2.7 billion dollars on some blimps the military wanted? No, I’m serious, I’m not making this up. And I haven’t been huffing helium from those blimps, either. I read this in the newspaper the other day. I didn’t know we had blimps! I saw a blimp pass overhead here the other day, but, alas, it was on its way to a football game and not valiantly defending us from the return of the Hindenburg. I was disappointed. I wanted to see what $2.7 billion dollars bought us besides an electronic sign for Sam’s Rent-To-Own and Tia Tania’s Taqueria. (Say, they’ve got some great carne asada there and salsa that isn’t made for weenies!)

See here, this flying cigar program is called JLENS. Yes, another U.S. military alphabet soup. Bet you didn’t see that one coming, did you? These initials stand for: Joint Land Attack Cruise Missile Defense Elevated Netted Sensor

I’m sure these blimps will be great recruiting tools for the U.S. military. “Off we go! Into the wild, blue yonder! Off we go…around ten miles per hour in this blimp!” Hmmm…not quite the same panache, what? “I Want YOU For the U.S. Air Force Blimp Corps!” Sounds like an obesity issue to me. I knew the military was having problems with that, but still. Oh, I get it! This is American military genius! A blimp floats because it’s lighter than air and so are their heads! Well, assuming their heads are not elsewhere, one supposes.

Oh, well, whaddya gonna do? They have to defend the country from cruise missiles. Not to mention putting the budget on cruise control. I’m going to see if any puffed, cheese-flavored snacks come out of this to cash in on the fame. “JLENS Cheese Puffs! Lighter Than Air, Heavy on Flavor!” Maybe a patriotic action movie, too. “Blimps Of Glory”, you know, or maybe “The Light Stuff”. Maybe I could get a gig writing the script. “Mr. President, we have over 500 enemy cruise missiles inbound at this time. What are your orders?” “Man the blimps! All America is hoping that our Dirigible Shield Program has not been underfunded by unpatriotic wackos!”

Ok, yeah, blimps, right, I get it. It all makes so much sense to me now. How could I have doubted? Say, pass the JLENS puffs…