Old White Guys
As this is Thanksgiving week, I thought I’d take a break from Muslim terrorists and social justice warriors and all the other negative stuff to give thanks for something positive that happened in 2015. In two separate but similar criminal cases that were resolved this year, a precedent was established that will possibly, hopefully, influence prosecutors in the years to come: Elderly white guys are not legally mandated to play by the “Chuck Norris rule” if they believe their lives are at risk.
What’s the Chuck Norris rule? As anyone who’s ever seen his family-friendly brand of martial-arts ass-kicking knows, the Chuck Norris rule is simple: Force can only be met with equal but not greater force. An evil ninja comes at you with fists, you use fists to defeat him. Kicks can be met with kicks. Weapons like a staff or a sword are only allowable when the bad guys use them first. And a gun? That’s only a permissible line of defense when the villain is firing directly at you with intent to kill.
In the Chuck Norris universe, this type of proportional response to villainy is mandated. It’s why, for eight seasons, CBS was able to promote Walker, Texas Ranger as family-friendly entertainment. At heart, the Chuck Norris rule is the direct antithesis of the “Chicago way” from The Untouchables.
It’s become a media cliché to say that the white population in the U.S. is “rapidly aging,” but clichéd though that claim may be, it’s not inaccurate. Like all elderly people, aging whites will become increasingly susceptible to crime, and matters relating to self-defense will become more and more important. Which is why I consider it a small victory that this year, two separate attempts to penalize old white men for not abiding by the Chuck Norris rule failed miserably. If you didn’t read about these two cases in the news, it’s almost certainly because, since all the participants were white—the good guys and bad guys alike—neither story got Trayvonified into a national cause célèbre involving rioters, burned-out CVS stores, and presidents waxing poetic about hypothetical sons.
In July 2014, 80-year-old Long Beach resident Tom Greer had the utter gall to think he could just waltz into his own house after spending an evening out. Unfortunately, his act of aggression—coming home—surprised two local thugs (both with a history of crimes against the elderly) who were in the process of ransacking Greer’s house when the old man returned. The criminals—a 26-year-old man and a 28-year-old woman—began mercilessly beating Greer, breaking his collarbone and knocking him to the floor. As the male robber tried to force open Greer’s safe, the female continued the attack, stomping on the helpless octogenarian. Finally, she left to help her boyfriend with the safe, giving Greer time to crawl toward where he kept his .22 Smith & Wesson. Injured, in great pain, disoriented, frightened, but not particularly keen on the idea of dying that night, Greer managed to get to his feet and come after the wealth redistributors, who fled at the sight of the gun. Greer pursued them into the alley behind his house, where the female hoodlum pleaded with Greer, “Don’t shoot me, I’m pregnant, I’m going to have a baby.”
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