The Conservative Drug War Creed

If there is one thing that most conservatives have in common it is their support for the federal government’s war on drugs. Although conservatives claim to believe in certain principles that libertarians would likewise hold to, their support of the drug war shows that they don’t really believe in them at all.

Here is the conservative drug war creed.

1. I believe in the Constitution, but I also believe in the unconstitutional federal war on drugs.
2. I believe in a smaller federal government, but still support a federal Drug Enforcement Administration (DEA).
3. I believe in federalism, but not when it comes to the federal war on drugs.
4. I believe in free markets, but not when it comes to a free market in drugs.
5. I believe in individual liberty, but want to see you locked in a cage if you possess too much of a plant the government doesn’t approve of.
6. I believe in the personal freedom of individuals to get stoned out of their mind on alcohol, but not on drugs.
7. I believe in States’ Rights, but not in the right of states to make their own drug laws without having them superceded by federal laws.
8. I believe property rights, but not the right to grow marijuana on your own property.
9. I believe in free enterprise, but not if it involves drugs.
10. I believe in personal responsibility, but still support mandatory drug treatment programs.
11. I believe in the right of people to smoke tobacco on their own property, but not marijuana.
12. I believe in financial privacy, but not if someone makes money from selling drugs.
13. I believe in personal privacy, but not if someone wants to use drugs in private.
14. I believe a man’s home is his castle, but still support no-knock drug raids in the middle of the night if someone is suspected of having drugs in his house.
15. I believe in entrepenuship, but not if it involves drugs.
16. I believe in low taxes, but want states with legal marijuana to heavily tax it so as to discourage its use.
17. I believe in restricting the number of federal bureaucrats, but not at the DEA.
18. I believe in fiscal conservatism, but have no problem with the costs of the war on drugs far exceeding any of its supposed benefits.
19. I believe in free trade, but not trade in drugs.
20. I believe in nuclear families, but don’t mind if one or both parents goes to prison for using drugs.
21. I believe in tradition, but ignore the American tradition of having no drugs laws until the twentieth century.
22. I believe that alcohol should be legal, but not drugs, even though alcohol causes much more harm and kills far more people.
23. I believe tobacco should be legal, but not drugs, even though tobacco causes much more harm and kills far more people.
24. I believe in state sovereignty, but still think the federal government should enforce its marijuana laws in states that have legalized marijuana for medical or recreational use.
25. I believe private property, but if someone is growing marijuana, then it should be destroyed by the DEA’s Domestic Cannabis Eradication and Suppression Program (DCE/SP).
26. I believe in a smaller federal budget, but not for the DEA.
27. I believe in democracy, but still support having an unelected drug czar.
28. I believe in manufacturing, but not in the manufacture of drugs.
29. I believe in imports, but not the importation of drugs.
30. I believe in fewer federal regulations, but still want the federal government to heavily regulate drugs.
31. I believe in small businesses, but not if someone wants to operate a small marijuana dispensary.
32. I believe in limited government, but still think the federal government should have an Office of National Drug Control Policy.
33. I believe in less legislation, but still fully support the Controlled Substances Act.
34. I believe that Americans are basically law-abiding, but want to turn them into criminals if they smoke a joint.
35. I believe in less government licensing, but still want marijuana growers and dispensaries to be licensed.
36. I believe in the rights of businesses, but not in the right of businesses to permit drug use on their premises.
37. I believe there are too many federal agencies, but still wouldn’t want to see the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration abolished.
38. I believe in a less intrusive government, but still want the government to be concerned with the consumption habits of Americans.
39. I believe the government should not outlaw binge drinking and chain smoking, but should criminalize the possession of any amount of marijuana or cocaine.
40. I believe the government should not engage in social engineering, but still support a National Drug Control Strategy.
41. I believe the government should not criminalize immoral behavior like getting drunk or fornicating, but want to make an exception for drug use.
42. I believe the government should not ban addictive substances like tobacco and caffeine, but should ban addictive substances like drugs.
43. I believe in the Fourth Amendment protections against unreasonable search and seizures, but not if someone is suspected of having drugs on his person or property.
44. I believe in capitalism, but not when it comes to drugs.
45. I believe in freedom, but not the freedom to try a medical treatment not approved by the government.
46. I believe in the work of faith-based organizations, but not in lieu of arresting people for drug possession.
47. I believe in limiting the scope of government, but not when it comes to the recreational habits of Americans
48. I believe in the private sector, but still think it is the job of the government to stop drug abuse.
49. I believe the government should eliminate programs that aren’t working, but not the war on drugs.
50. I believe in a free society, but not a society where drugs are legal.

This is the conservative drug war creed.

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