Author: Jack Perry

Psstt! Hey America! Hey, don’t forget our anniversary! You forgot?! There’s not many shopping days left!! It’s soon going to be the upcoming “Ongoing Holiday Of Revenge Against People We Don’t Know”, aka the 9/11 Anniversary. Strike up the band! Come on everyone, get happy! What kind of gift do you buy the government for an anniversary like this? Tanks? Aircraft? Nuclear weapons? “Ah, dear, you shouldn’t have! How did you know I had my eye on that new intercontinental ballistic missile system! And 10 megaton warheads, how retro! Gee, and it came with a free DVD of ‘The Day After’ … Continue reading →

Yeah, I know, you’re as shocked as I was. What?! The government might lie about things? No! Say it isn’t so! Behold! Here is it! Oh, but that’s not the government, that’s the military! Well, uh, militaries never fall far from the tree, so it is said. Now, one question I have is this: On what basis was it decided that there had been ANY success to trumpet in the war against ISIS? Boy oh boy, if these are “successes”, I’d hate to see the failures they’re covering up! If the war against ISIS was a used car, the salesman would … Continue reading →

After every rash of mass murders in the U.S., we have the usual call of “How do we keep guns out of the hands of crazy people?!” Indeed, but let us examine this phenomenon in greater detail, shall we? The way it happens is as follows: Jimmy Wheedle undergoes some type of paranoiac delusion or hallucination, and imagines innocent people to be plotting against him. Therefore, he obtains a firearm, goes to some public place the “voices” are telling him these “culprits” are, and opens fire. If Jimmy is captured alive (on rare occasions) the police will report that he … Continue reading →

So, the wife and I moved to Tucson. Yeah, I know, but the desert is in my blood. I plead genetic memory and, besides all of that, there’s better food that goes beyond the Four Flavors of Northern Arizona: Bland, Salty, Sweet, and Greasy. The first day here, I heard this ear-piercing sound split the sky! We’re under attack! Iran must have purloined an aircraft carrier! I threw open the door and bolted outside. Look! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! No, it’s a plane! It’s trillions in wasted tax dollars! Behold, it’s fighter aircraft! It’s also the controversial A-10 ground … Continue reading →

All right, here’s another news article I found as mind-numbingly stupid as the one where Starbucks was whining about its social engineering campaign gone awry. Get a load of this nonsense.There ya go, now you’ve heard it all, ain’t ya? “Women On 20s”, huh? What, is that supposed to send shivers up my spine, compel me to put on a pair of sustainably-grown cotton pants and a pair of crocs, make me feel like singing “We Shall Overcome” and buy fair-trade coffee or something? Come on, man, this is stupid in so many ways, oh, let me count the ways! … Continue reading →

Last night, my wife told me that Carly Fiorina is running for president. And I know who she is, I’ve got some of her records! I started looking for them and my wife says, “Jack, what are you doing over there?! You’ve got my Waylon Jennings records strewn all over the floor!” I said, I’m looking for our Carly Fiorina records, I know we got one at a yard sale a while back. My wife said, “No, Jack, no. You’re thinking Carly Simon. Carly Fiorina isn’t a singer. I think she had a cooking show on the Food Network.” I … Continue reading →

Get a load of this big kerfuffle over Yemen! If you’d have asked most Americans where Yemen was a few years back, they’d have said something like, “Yemen? Hmmm…Yemen…Yemen…oh! I know where it is! It’s on Interstate 40 between Barstow and Needles! There’s nothing there but a gas station, an RV campground, and a Subway sandwich shop! What about Yemen?” And if you told them the U.S. was sending an aircraft carrier to Yemen, they’d have said, “Really?! Seriously?! Come on! How can they get an aircraft carrier up the Colorado River! Sending an aircraft carrier to Yemen…yeah, right!” But, … Continue reading →

In this vast shopping mall we call planet Earth, you will find one of the largest “anchor stores” of the whole complex is good ol’ American State Global Improvement Center. From it’s humble beginning as a small hardware store, it has become the world’s largest purveyor of global remodeling products and services with outlet stores in well over 150 countries. American State has a new product out now; a re-launched line of tools.  Ok, go into the store and you have to pass by the Regime Change Nation Building Materials section. Make a left past the sandbags and go over to the … Continue reading →

Ok, so I called out Hillary on some of her malarky, and now it’s time for some equal-opportunity lambasting. It’s The Marco Malarky Hour! Da-da-da-da-da! Thank you, thank you, folks! Marco Rubio just officially announced his presidential campaign. Why do these jokers all wait for a certain date to announce this? What is it, like Christmas or something and they can’t open the campaign until a certain date?! Here I thought a Rubio was some kind of puzzle or toy, but evidently, it’s a presidential candidate. Check out his deal here. Now I am already suspicious about this dude. His campaign motto is: “A … Continue reading →

Just when I thought an American presidential campaign couldn’t be kicked off any dumber, Hillary Clinton went and proved me wrong. Hillary has taken to the great American highway in a minivan for a whistle-stop tour to spread the word to the American people. At first I thought this was some kind of a prank, but then I saw she’s already started. What is this, Ken Kesey and the Merry Pranksters? Yeah, well, you’ll need to take the “electric Kool-Aid acid test” to believe the crap she’s selling. Hey Hillary, if you want to see how the American people really … Continue reading →

All right, let’s continue this discussion about food, shall we? I’ve talked about coffee and cake, so let’s turn our attention now to groceries as a whole. Actress Gwyneth Paltrow was in the news again with a publicity stunt using the poor as stage props. See the article here. She was challenged to live a whole week, a WHOLE WEEK I tell you, on the amount of food a person can allegedly buy with a week’s food stamps. That sum is $29 for the week and when you see what she bought, you’ll see she has as much idea of what the poor … Continue reading →

Hey, have you guys heard about this Operation Jade Helm shindig? Yeah, it kind of came as a surprise to me, too. I didn’t know I’m about to be living in a region soon to be occupied by a U.S. military invasion force. I didn’t know the Southwest was a hotbed of insurgent activity, or when the revolution actually started. It wasn’t in the paper or on the community bulletin board along with the notices asking about missing horses. It wasn’t in the gossip at the local grocery store. But oranges were on sale and there’s spring lambs for sale from … Continue reading →

It’s time to talk about one of the more important things in life in these United States: Coffee. Now recently, Starbucks’ grand poobah decided it’d be a swell idea to have his baristas (that’s a fancy term for a coffee slinger, ya see) engage patrons in a discussion about race relations in America. Because that’s where that discussion belongs, right? Hey man, I came in here for a cuppa joe, not to solve world problems, ok? I thought this was a coffee joint, not the headquarters for the redux of We Are The World. Look, don’t get between me and a … Continue reading →

After the end of the Vietnam War, it was widely believed in the United States that our government would never be able to sell the American people on another senseless war based on a lie. That war blunted an American approval for war that dated back to World War One. Throughout the 1970s, just a hint of American involvement in another war in some far-off part of the globe was met with vehement calls to stay out of it. The Vietnam War was started by a lie from the U.S. government that American naval vessels had been attacked in the Gulf of Tonkin, … Continue reading →