What, Now Kraft Cheese Is Healthy? Why Nutritional Advice Seems Like a Crock of Shit

‘If the Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics is saying that Kraft Singles are good for us, surely schmaltz is next.

The metaphoric meaning of schmaltz is sentimentality – a heart-tugging moment, accompanied by real or virtual violins. The literal meaning of schmaltz is rendered poultry fat, a heart attack on a plate, the Jewish lard indispensable for making the crackly fried chicken skin treats called gribenes.

The metaphoric meaning of Kraft Singles is blandness – the absence of taste, texture or variety. (See also: Velveeta.) Its literal meaning is as American as American cheese: shiny, rubbery, yellow-orange, imperishable plastic-wrapped slices of processed “pasteurized prepared cheese product,” as it says on the label, perfect for a lunch box or apulled pork and red onion melt.’

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