This Just In!

Yeah, I know, you’re as shocked as I was. What?! The government might lie about things? No! Say it isn’t so! Behold! Here is it! Oh, but that’s not the government, that’s the military! Well, uh, militaries never fall far from the tree, so it is said. Now, one question I have is this: On what basis was it decided that there had been ANY success to trumpet in the war against ISIS? Boy oh boy, if these are “successes”, I’d hate to see the failures they’re covering up! If the war against ISIS was a used car, the salesman would have spun the odometer back about 200,000 miles and filled the transmission full of sawdust. Yeah, didn’t think anyone remembered those old tricks, did you? The government does, except they call it “…distorted or altered intelligence assessments to exaggerate progress…” Indeed. Fresh off the lot from Smilin’ Uncle Sam’s Used War Bargain House! I think we’ve been sold a lemon.

So, indeed, the doctored “successes” remain abject failures in and of themselves. This means the reality is that those failures were so grand, so large, that they are the Magnum Opus of failures. If these were symphonies, they’d all be Beethoven and Mozart. No fiddle-piddle little scribblers, they went right to the heavyweight masters! I’d love to see the fiction these intelligence officials write for fun. Oh, wait, we already have. It’s probably called anCannot Be Found al-Invisible saying, “No they didn’t! How can they have won?! We haven’t even lost a single truck since two months ago! We haven’t even reached the mileage on the reminder sticker on our tanks for the next oil change at Jihad Lube! We’ve still got hummus on top of that! Yeah, ‘the Americans won’, huh! Hilarious!” Of course, the government will come out and accuse them of lying—right up until someone leaks it out that we were, in fact, the ones lying. We need to find a market for government lying. It’d be a gold mine. You couldn’t call it The Goose That Laid The Golden Eggs, though. This is the government. You’d need to call it The Goose That Crapped the Golden Crap. As it is, we pay the government to do this. Methinks I have been cheated.

Therefore, here we are, once again, with yet another war they’ve been lying to us all along about. Are you surprised? I bet we both aren’t. And this cast of clowns wants to go to war with Iran?! That’s like saying velvet Elvis paintings and pink plastic lawn flamingos belong in The Louvre! Or that the United States government can be called intelligent. We’re winning the war on ISIS! Wait, no we’re not. Wait, yes we are! Wait, I know! It’s a tie! Hey, that’s the answer! Let’s just call these wars ties! “Well, we came into this war looking for a gold medal, but we came away with a silver medal…” Yeah, a trillion dollars later. Who knew silver had gone up in price that much? But if we say a war is a tie, we don’t need to actually win! All we need to do is spend money and kill people! That’s always a popular endeavor with the U.S. government, but calling it a “tie” should shut up the unwashed masses paying for the war. The Iraq War? Yeah, a tie. The war in Afghanistan? Looks like it’s going to be a tie. The war against ISIS? Well, probably going to be a tie. Say, what’s for supper?