If I Were Dictator

If you were an evil dictator, would you mess with this man?

Having recognized that the country is calling on me to restore order and common sense, and that my election as dictator is the last hope of Western Civilization, I hereby throw my sombrero into the ring. Below is a compact summary of the wise and forward-looking policies which will characterize my reign. Interposed are thrilling slogans that will throw you into an electoral frenzy.

Social Policy: On the day of my coronation, I will undertake a sweeping reform of society, beginning with radical feminists. We will hunt them with dogs. I will save a few and chain them in the Great Dismal Swamp, where they will poison the mosquitoes, allowing civilized people to catch catfish in comfort.

Journalism. I will have the staff of National Review chained to their counterparts at Salon, and dropped into the remote Pacific after being doused in shark attractant. All the racially prissy, narcissistic bonbons at theWashington Post will spend a year in a bad section of Newark. Their children, if any, will attend local schools. I don’t care what they conclude — Left, Right or, barely conceivably, intelligent. I am just, from the goodness of my heart, trying to give them the background for informed commentary.

Congress. After three terms in the House, or one in the Senate, the incumbents will be taken out and shot. This is no more than term limits, and will ensure that only those serious about serving the country will run for office. The rest will run from it.

Women making false claims of having been raped. I will have them boxed, gift-wrapped, and delivered to a remote Afghan army base. This will retroactively make them honest women. Very honest.

Genital mutilation of young girls. The fathers who allow it will be publicly castrated by rabid wolverines and then shipped to Uganda where they will be stuffed for a week into the bottom of a public latrine. Should they return and offend again, or return at all, I will be forced to take extreme measures.

I await the plaudits of a grateful nation.