Look Like a Millionaire Instead of a Mongoloid

A millennial walked into my office this week looking like a simpleton with a court date. He had a cheap suit on with square-toed shoes and his hair lay flat on his forehead like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber. His shirt came straight out of the dirty laundry and the collar on it was so crumpled it sat over his blazer like a pile of used condoms. When I began to list the dozens of fashion crimes this young man had just committed he stared at me like a Papua New Guinean being shown how to open a tin. I’m beginning to think young men have been dressing wrong for so long, they no longer know what’s right. I came of age in the ’80s when mods set the template for how to dress, but today all they have is Reservoir Dogs and Men in Black. Those guys don’t even use pocket squares.

If you are an adult male working in a professional environment and you want to be taken seriously, you need to wear a suit. That means you also need a briefcase, a bunch of ties, some comfortable shirts, a new haircut, and three pairs of shoes. I can afford the finest tailors on Savile Row, but I am Scottish and we are so cheap, Jews think we’re being sarcastic.

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