The Guy’s Guide to the Perfect Christmas Tree
If a man’s job on Thanksgiving is to carve the turkey, his main Christmas responsibility is the selecting and setting up of the tree. The undisputed symbol of the holiday season, the Christmas tree is the centerpiece of one’s holiday decorations, the focus to which the eye is drawn and people gather. A handsome, large, well-decorated tree, with its twinkling lights and festive ornaments, can warm the heart of even the Scroogiest man. No one can resist its allure; even my Jewish friends put up a “Hanukkah” bush.
Selecting, setting up, and caring for your tree is therefore a responsibility you should take seriously. By following these tips, your Christmas tree will be a source of pride for you, and a source of delight for your family and friends.
Selecting a Christmas Tree
1. Never, ever, buy a plastic tree. This is the cardinal rule of Christmas trees. It’s non-negotiable. A lot of myths get floated around about real Christmas trees that simply aren’t true. Yes, artificial trees are convenient. Yes, artificial trees are cheap. But artificial trees areartificial. At a time of year when you’re celebrating the most authentic things in life: joy, family, giving, and faith, a fake, plastic tree is an entirely inappropriate symbol. It’s interesting to note that the creator of the first fake Christmas tree was the Addis Brush Co., maker of green toilet bowl brushes.
You don’t want a gigantic toilet bowl brush in your living room; you want real branches made out of real wood with real green needles on each bough. Most of all, you want the scent of Christmas, the scent of pine to fill your home. Attempting to recreate this scent with an evergreen scented Glade candle is Christmas sacrilege, punishable by 50 lashes.
Need one more reason? While I know not everyone cares about this, for those who do, remember that buying real trees gives jobs to American Christmas tree farmers and others. Buying plastic trees merely spreads some holiday cheer to a factory in China.
2. Buy early. There are a couple of reasons for this. First, you want to have the best selection of trees possible; if you go late, all the trees will have been picked over, and you’ll end up with a Peanuts tree. Secondly, if you’re buying a precut tree, those trees are going to be sitting on the lot every day until Christmas. They’re basking in the sun, not being watered, and drying out. If you buy the tree early, you don’t need to set it up immediately (see “Setting up the Tree” below), but the tree might as well be sitting outside your house in a bucket of water instead of flapping around like a parched goldfish on the lot.
3. Measure the ceiling height where you want to put the tree. You don’t want to pay more for a bigger tree only to have to clip off the top.
4. Visit your local Christmas tree dealer. Your best choice is to head to a Christmas tree farm, where you can cut down a tree right then and there. This not only ensures that you get the freshest tree possible, cutting down a tree will make you feel manly. Plus, the setting helps you get in the holiday mindset. If there isn’t a Christmas tree farm near you, find a tree lot that just sells Christmas trees. Under no circumstances should you buy your Christmas tree in the parking lot of Home Depot. Buying a Christmas tree is a crucial step in getting into the holiday spirit; having a big box store as the backdrop simply won’t do.
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