The Biggest, Most Evil Institution on Earth

I read an article this morning penned by a rather well-known country-rock singer. Mr. Celebrity was rather unhappy that the United States did not go to war with Russia over Crimea and the alleged humiliation of the United States by the Iranian capture of a U.S. Navy bathtub toy that had some unfortunate Popeyes on board who discovered the government GPS they were issued needed batteries or something. I find myself wondering why celebrities feel they are somehow more able to see where military force is required, or what justifies throwing away tens of thousands of American lives and slaughtering millions of others in the ongoing Vietnam War Roadshow where we collect all the action figures (bodybags sold separately) we then bronze and call “war memorials”. I have a better idea. Instead of another war, how about you celebrities hire some mercenaries to act in a movie your actor buddies produce, then build your own memorials to it and pay for it all yourselves? You can call it American Super Soldiers and everyone will know it by the initials.

Now, Mr. Celebrity is feeling humiliated by the antics of other countries. Myself, I’m embarrassed by my country, too, but not in the way Mr. Celebrity feels. However, when it comes to Vladimir Putin, Bashar al-Assad, or any Iranian ayatollah, those gentlemen do not concern me. Nor do they make me feel any emotions whatsoever, because, hel-LO!, they don’t stuff my mailbox with junk mail, clutter the airwaves with whining pleas to vote for them, or threaten to pillage my tax return if I do not sign up for Obamacare. In fact, I tend to think that Crimea is Russia’s backyard, Syria is Syria’s backyard (gee, imagine that!) and Iran has the right to defend their own territorial waters or, at the least, engage in the same madcap hijinks the United States regularly does. Genuinely, how is it my problem that some U.S. Navy equivalent of the SS Minnow got scooped up in an Iranian sweep-and-clear? I bet the Skipper and Gilligan were crapping their britches, but this is nothing to me. Next time, read the fine print on the enlistment papers, guys. Mr. and Mrs. Howell were safe in the White House and Ginger was busy gushing over how handsome Obama was, is, purports to be. The Professor is our Secretary of Defense, inventing anti-ballistic missile systems that can be manufactured from coconut palms and bamboo. Honestly, who cares?!

I understand that many were disappointed that we have not yet found the pretext to nuke the Russkies, but be patient, folks. They’ll find a reason. See, a nuclear war is like a fine bottle of wine. You just don’t open it right up. It has to age a while. “Ah! The theater nuclear war over Ukraine! A fine vintage!” But, why do people get so wrapped up and angry about the U.S. not getting into yet more wars it cannot win? I mean, seriously, this is a mom egging on her kid who always gets his butt handed to him in a fight. People, really, encouraging this government to go find another war to put on the national credit card?! Are you even more insane than they are?! This government finds enough wars to get into on its own without encouragement! They’re like raccoons getting into the garbage cans. You don’t need to bait the raccoons in and say, “Hey, look over here, guys! I just put out the trash and there’s chicken bones and stale bread in it!” But we have these people out there calling for the United States to get into wars with about half the other countries on this planet. The Russians, Iran, Syria, maybe China down the road. Why? Because they don’t “respect” us! I’m sorry, at what point has the United States government done anything recently in this world that was worthy of respect?

I don’t feel I’m entitled to some particular measure of respect from the rest of the world because I’m an American. The way the government is, it’s no different than saying, “I buy Smart Sunshine Margarine!” or “I’m an ovo-lacto vegetarian!” Does any of this at all matter? No. Not even if you were able to speak the five dialects of the American language (Governmentese, Bureaucraticili, Waffling, Statish, and Dumbnity) should one ever suppose that this being an American confers any special virtues or privileges other than being the de facto serfs on the government’s feudal estate. Really, let’s get over it. We’re not all World War Two GIs handing out chocolate bars to starving Italian kids, ok? Those days are long gone, so let’s knock it off with the Greatest Generation’s Greatest Hits already.

Speaking of greatest hits, to hear some people tell it, we should be doing the equivalent of drive-by shootings with B-52 bombers at least once a week. It’d be on the news as a regular segment. “That’s all for sports. Moving right along to airstrikes, B-52 raids over Russia will be light to moderate, with heavy carpet bombing at times. There’s a wave of F-16s appearing over Syria with light showers of cluster bombs expected. And now the stock market…” I mean, is this pathetic or what? I am embarrassed, but not because we haven’t bombed half the world into the Paleolithic. I’m embarrassed because of all these Americans that think we should! Does anyone realize that this is murder? Yes! That’s what it is, you guys! It’s murder. Those people have not attacked us! And for what? To cease-fire our way out of it and two decades later say if we’d just had a big victory parade down Main Street, everything would have been heirloom peaches and organic cream? Excuse me, but you people have been standing in the reflection of your solar panels too long. The ink isn’t dry on the last cease-fire before we’re into another series of bombing raids, covert wars, and then another war. We ought to just send over to Tim’s Stationary and get a rubber stamp that says “CEASE-FIRE” and put it on the President’s desk so it’s handy for the ten years after he’s gotten a military use authorization out of the bozos in Congress that thought, “Gee, we should be able to win a war against a nation without a navy or air force, right?” Oh, yes, let’s encourage this behavior!

And someone has to pay for all of this. I bet if someone got into the Secretary of Defense’s office and pulled the desk drawers all the way out, they’d find Past Due notices that date back to the Vietnam War crammed in the back! I bet we haven’t made a payment on those napalm canisters since 1976. We couldn’t get a refund on those MX missiles Reagan bought and all of them went to the DOD junkyard. They couldn’t even use them to launch satellites! They buy the rockets to do that from Russian military surplus! Right, but let’s start up more wars so we can waste trillions more dollars enriching Pentagon fatcats getting kickbacks and bribes from the defense contractors. And these jokers claim to be against Big Government?! There’s no bigger government than one at war! My gosh, how do you think Stalin went from being the ill-dressed shmoe leading a country that got into a war with Finland and had to basically settle for a tie into being a world leader with one of the biggest armies in the world? Because of World War Two! And here we are with a government even more paranoid than he was!

No, these celebrities need to pipe down. They don’t really live this crap they talk about. All the big cheerleaders for war and not one of them served Day One in the military and not one will be having to go fight in the wars they try and cheerleader us into. Just like all the gushy liberal celebrities that think they know what it is to live paycheck-to-paycheck and patronize us with this condescending “I feel your pain” shibai. As if people go out and buy organic cilantro and jicama on a fixed income. Right, we’ll garnish the plain-wrap macaroni-and-cheese with it. Here’s a tip: Stick to what you know. If it’s music, then make music, not war. If it’s acting, then act in movies and stop acting like you’d act in our lives. Maybe some people are all goo-goo eyed over you people, but not all of us. Many of us are pretty much tired of hearing you people sit up there with millions of dollars and act like you know who’s dying in the wars you want or who pays for the government you insist on. So, again, get over yourselves. Your ego won’t win a war. The government has not won a war, and I mean a REAL war, since 1945. It’s cease-fired its bootie out of them and called it “victory”. Well, how about we get a cease-fire from the mouths of celebrities, for a change?

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