I Couldn’t Be President

On election day in 2014, I gave twenty-five reasons why I could not be elected to office. Not a particular office, but any federal, state, or local office. But since the most non-libertarian and therefore the worst Libertarian Party presidential ticket in history is vying for the presidency, I thought that I, as a traditional, principled, and consistent libertarian, would focus on the office of the presidency.

The Libertarian Party presidential candidate, Gary Johnson, is excited about the relative increase in his poll numbers compared to previous Libertarian Party candidates for president. He seems to be forgetting that many Democrats hate Hillary, many Republicans hate Trump, and many Independents hate both of them. Support for Johnson has nothing to do with him being a principled libertarian, or even the flawed libertarian that he is. Johnson and his running mate, William Weld—both former Republican governors—would simultaneously wage war on bakers who refuse to bake cakes for homosexual couples and on ISIS.

So, what if a real libertarian; that is, a traditional, principled, and consistent libertarian, were to run for president in 2016? What kind of promises should he make? What sort of agenda should he propose? What should he say that

I would limit the actions of U.S. troops strictly to defense.

I would stop the United States from being the world’s policeman.

I would destroy the U.S. stockpile of nuclear weapons.

I would abolish the TSA and let airports and airlines handle their own security.

I would end all foreign aid.

I would reestablish the Jeffersonian foreign policy of peace, commerce, and honest friendship with all nations—entangling alliances with none.

I would allow anyone in the military who wants to leave before his term of enlistment is up to simply notify his commanding officer, gather up his belongings, and walk away. Of course, any solider doing so would forfeit any pension or medical benefits.

I would allow anyone to opt of Social Security.

I would stop negotiating phony free trade agreements and insist on real free trade.

I would close all foreign military bases and sell the property to the highest bidder in each country.

And last, but certainly not least, I would veto any bill that funds unconstitutional federal departments, programs, and agencies. This means bye-bye the Departments of Health and Human Services, Housing and Urban Development, Labor, Agriculture, Energy, Education, and Homeland Security. This means adios AMTRAK, the EPA, the CPB, NPR, the NEA, the NEH, the DEA, the ATF, the TVA, the SEC, the FCC, and the Appalachian Regional Commission. This means good riddance to hundreds of other federal programs and agencies that most Americans have never even heard of.

These are the types of things that I would be saying as a libertarian candidate for president.

So, assuming that I actually got elected, why could I not be president for more than a day? I would certainly be assassinated by elements inside or outside of the government—or both—before I made it through the first day.

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