How To Be a Billionaire

PALM BEACH, Fla.—Now that President-elect Trump has promised to supercharge the economy, vanquish China as a trade competitor, and make us all billionaires, you might be a little confused.

You’ve never been a billionaire. You don’t know where to start.

I’m here to help.

First of all, you’re gonna need a suit. I can already hear your objections.

“I don’t need a suit. I have three suits.”

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But you’re a billionaire now. You can’t wear those suits anymore. Billionaires don’t wear suits from Men’s Wearhouse, or Joseph A. Bank, or Brooks Brothers. You can go to the finest Armani boutique in Italy and you still won’t be able to dress like a billionaire.

The lesson you have to learn is: Billionaires don’t shop at any place you’ve ever heard of.

What you’re gonna buy is a “bespoke” suit. “Bespoke” is a Brit word that probably has some linguistic origin involving a manservant named Farnsworth who was sent to pick up cummerbunds from a tailor named McSweeney. The suit is “spoken for,” it’s one of a kind, made from scratch. You’re gonna spend all day consulting with a Chinaman who’s gonna stick a tape measure in your crotch and show you 17,000 different fibers and then you’re gonna go back four times in the next three months while he builds the goldang suit. Then he’s gonna ask you for $30,000.

Now, listen up—there are only six cities where you can do this. London, New York, Hong Kong, Naples, Tokyo, and Brussels. Memorize those.

If you go to Hong Kong, it’s the Armoury.

If you want an Italian suit with the soft shoulders, it’s Isaia in Naples. I know, I know, it makes more sense that the Italian tailors would be in Milan. They’re not, okay? You’re not billionaire-literate yet, just trust me.

In Tokyo it’s Kamakura.

In Brussels it’s Scabal.

If you wanna buy American, in keeping with the Trump ethos, you’ll go to the Garment District in New York and seek out Beckenstein. Yes, there are Chinese tailors and Italian tailors in New York, but it’s New York City, you’re safer with a Jew.

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